Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

me to God

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.