People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
You Might Also Like
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My Guy
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
canadian assassins are called killergrams
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic