People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
cat vs inanimate object
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.