People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]