People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what