Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Dear Lord..

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?