Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Watson was Holmes schooled

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.