Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.