Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

British people

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob