People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
reminder
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES