Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂😂

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

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