People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
You Might Also Like
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding