Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
🙀🙀🙀😹
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.