No, YOU’RE a nary tract infection
People who say “you can run but you can’t hide” have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.
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Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Wine – you’re gonna sleep good
Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.
Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.
*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat
me: did my breakfast just talk
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?