@CarrieMayhem

People who say “you can run but you can’t hide” have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.

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@blaha_Who

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

@CrashTestDrummy

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

@Mike_Bianchi

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

@Just_BCS

Wine – you’re gonna sleep good

Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.

Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.

@hippieswordfish

*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat

me: did my breakfast just talk

@KattsDogma

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.