People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
You Might Also Like
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Saturday
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?