People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!