People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
guys I’m going home
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
concern
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*