People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
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talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
j o i m p
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin