Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

S M O L

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.