Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

#Caturday

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.