“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
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Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
That’s fair