Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.