Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.