people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.