people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Name another movie that mislead you?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
boat question
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.