People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
opening twitter today
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
