People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.