Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

yeah no that’s fair

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Broom by every window for quick escape.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.