Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”