People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
when revenge coincides with naptime
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.