People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I hate my earbuds.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
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So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
