People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Current mood: Potato
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.