She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope