people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans