Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.