people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
You Might Also Like
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.