Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

I want what they have

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.