Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

Uh oh…

😂🍻

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.