People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You Might Also Like
doing your own taxes
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.