@Lpbinder

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

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@itsmebeegee07

I don’t know how to tell my mom that those 10 boxes of instant mashed potatoes she has saved won’t help us survive the apocalypse

@UnFitz

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

@Fred_Delicious

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

@PaulyPeligroso

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

@thatUPSdude

Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.

@ThisOneSayz

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

@Parkerlawyer

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”