I don’t know how to tell my mom that those 10 boxes of instant mashed potatoes she has saved won’t help us survive the apocalypse
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
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dr: we had to remove your colon
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
*turns to camera*
*cop starts breakdancing*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?
Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”