People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?


*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*


My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?


Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?


[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”


Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three


If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know


My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.


Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*


Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.