People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope


This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.


My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.


Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.


Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.


Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.


me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program


When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”