So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
You Might Also Like
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.