Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Lol.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
This is always good for a laugh.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Merry Christmas
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.