[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.