People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Super Hand Dog Face
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.