People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
when dads have a rap battle
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Hell yeah 👍
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy