Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

This came to me in a dream.

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*