Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.