People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
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I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the