People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Whisper out to librarians!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Not messing around
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?