People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Duolingo getting serious.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.