People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath