People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”