People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Dolls on drugs
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.