Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls