People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now