People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Blew my mind.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*