Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

relationship goals

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”