People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
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I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
#Thanos #MondayMood
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I can’t stop laughing at this
My new favorite headline
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button