People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Netflix and awkward silence?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn鈥檛 do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Him: You鈥檝e got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don鈥檛 have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don鈥檛. I mean you could, but you don鈥檛 hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I鈥檓 tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving鈥 don鈥檛 want you getting pregnant.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I don鈥檛 want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won鈥檛 take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[opening birthday presents]
me: 鈥s this another dead cat?schr枚dinger: *way too excited* we don鈥檛 know until you open it!
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that鈥檚 the last i鈥檒l ever see of that
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
hmm conte-me mais
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.