People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
You Might Also Like
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
based al yankovic
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?