People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses