Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.