People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone