People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years