People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”