People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
eggs benadryl
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train