People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Note to self: always read the final line
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”