Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

mariah carrie

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

Frankenstein?

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.