People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
that would 100% work on me
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister