People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
