People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
this is what they would have looked like, though
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number