@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

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@Elizasoul80

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

@Bob_Lesh

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

@scott_towel

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

@TechnicallyRon

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

@bencoffeehall

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

@spacewizard_t

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

@ambermruffin

Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.