People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Girl, same.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Oh we’ve met.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy