People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

You Might Also Like


My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”


Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”


me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it


Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter






Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired


Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.


Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS


I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.


A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.


Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.